I have a confession to make, and one I’m not proud of either.
I used to think women who chose to stay in abusive relationships were weak, but I could not have been more wrong. If anything, they are the most resilient and bravest women I’ve ever come across. It was very easy for me to make a bold judgement without any knowledge, understanding, or perspective. So, I want to apologise to the women having gone through abuse, and still continue to do so. I’m sorry.
Volunteering with the Refuge (a domestic violence helpline for women) helped me gain a much deeper understanding of what abuse is, and what women in abusive relationships endure on a daily basis. It’s also important to highlight that abuse impacts the lives of millions of women around the world daily, and one in four women experience some form of abuse during their lifetime.
Gaining perspective and knowledge on such matters is vital for us all, as I have also come to the realisation that we as women – regardless of background – share very similar life experiences, challenges, and traumas. More often than not, when hearing brave survivors share their story, I could either relate to them through my own personal experience, or through someone else I know.
I had lost count of the amount of times I heard women start each call with “this could be nothing…” and then go on to share an absolutely horrific story. Or the women that would say, “I never used to be like this, I was happy, confident and independent”. Sadly, many women may not even be aware they are victims of abuse, as they continue to normalise their unhappiness, and justify the abuser’s behaviour and actions.
Before training on the helpline, it was easy (and ignorant) for me to ask women “why don’t you just leave”, but the helpline helped me ask a more relevant question of “why do men abuse women in the first place?” Now, having some understanding on this very complex issue, I’ve started to understand why. But regardless of the reason, I’ve also come to understand that men make a choice to abuse.
ABUSE & PERPETRATORS
Abuse is complex and comes in various forms, from physical through sexual, financial, emotional, to mental, but the tactics used in each form is power and control. It’s also extremely difficult to identify a perpetrator, mainly because it’s often the one we least expect abuse from. Many women shared they were in relationships with men you would least expect abuse from. In some instances, it was from those who held senior positions in the workplace, or were known to be “respectable” community members to the outside worlds. However, inside the home, they were nothing but narcissistic abusers.
These perpetrators could actually be presented with an Oscar award, as their acting skills are truly remarkable. They can make anyone believe they are genuinely loving and great men. They know how the system works, completely charms the woman, weakens all her resources and support networks (including her financial income), makes her completely dependent on him, breaks her confidence, abuses with intent, and then begs for forgiveness by being charming once again.
He will have all the excuses, sob stories, gestures, and pleas in place for any time the woman speaks up and threatens to leave. During this process – when begging for forgiveness – the perpetrator will somehow twist the narrative and tell the victim how she is overreacting, which would leave her questioning herself as to whether she is being abused at all. And just like that, the cycle is reinforced.
SOCIETY & LEAVING ABUSE
What does not help is society. It has conditioned women to become dependent on men and to forgive them (without any consequence), just to keep the family together. We make her feel guilt and shame when choosing herself, and taunt her with hurtful remarks such as “why didn’t you try harder?” or “do it for the family”. There’s no wonder it becomes extremely difficult for women to leave abusive relationships.
We expect good women to make bold sacrifices, and as a result, we fail these women and become abuse enablers. At that moment, it seems easier to just cave in and justify the abusers’ behaviour, but what we do in the long run is more damaging. So, instead of shaming the woman, we need to show encouragement and support.
These manipulative perpetrators have a game plan, they prey on their victim’s insecurities, making them feel worthless, all whilst continuing to build fear in them. Being told the same thing repeatedly will make anyone question their identity. There is no wonder women are left feeling insecure, unattractive, and run on low self-esteem. Can you imagine being told on a daily basis how worthless and ugly you are, and in order to survive ‘you need me’? Eventually, any woman would start to believe this theory and become heavily reliant on the perpetrator. One particular phrase I heard many women share was “no-one will believe you”, and this is another reason the woman held onto so much self-doubt and insecurity.
LEAVING IS NOT EASY
For many women, making the decision to leave an abusive relationship is far from easy, as they are faced with an endless number of barriers, which prevents them from doing so. And in most instances, she is left without a support network, and is made to feel isolated.
Firstly, the perpetrator will carry out all sorts of threats, including suicide, to ensure the woman is feeling nothing but fear and guilt. Meanwhile, the woman will carry her own grief and trauma, as all the hopes and dreams she had held onto for so long have now expired. Finally, the practicalities, where will she go? For so long, the women are left feeling dependent on the perpetrators, therefore the likelihood of having any financial backup is not great, so she ends up losing her home, belongings, and financial security.
This is why leaving abusive relationships is not as simple as many would think it is. Every day, women are making tough decisions, and whichever path she ends up choosing, she will lose something along the way. She can either stay with the abuser just to keep a roof over her head, or flee the relationship and potentially be homeless and, in some instances, lose her children.
For far too long, perpetrators have gotten away with abusing women and never seem to face any consequence, and that’s mainly because the systems and policies in place are not there to support women. Male politicians and police officers are not taking domestic abuse seriously enough. The likelihood is they have their own biases and preconceived beliefs on domestic abuse, hence why it’s not a priority to them.
SOME FINAL THOUGHTS
I just want to finish by adding, abuse doesn’t just happen in more intimate relationships, but also platonic relationships. I received many calls from those being abused by family members, and occasionally were in more vulnerable positions, especially in Asian communities. There are much heightened consequences when choosing to leave an abusive relationship with certain communities, my own community being one of them. So, let’s not just stand on the sidelines and be enablers of abuse, let’s support the victims.
We have to ask ourselves, is this the example we should be setting to other women and children? Is this the future we want for them? We need to stop believing in a man’s potential and start accepting him for who he is right now, as studies show that a narcissist rarely changes. It is an impossible task to make a narcissist happy, so it may be worth using your energy on yourself.
FINALLY, BEFORE YOU LEAVE….
If you’re a woman experiencing domestic abuse, please reach out to the Refuge (or another helpline specialising in abuse) when you are ready to do so. I promise you will be in safe hands, as the helpline is there to empower and support you – without judgement. I honestly get it, it’s not easy asking for help, but please remember there are options available to you.
I also highly recommend the book “Power and Control” (for everyone), as it provides insight on why charming men can make dangerous lovers.