I would love to share the story of the things that make me proud to be South Asian. After all, there are so many things that happen to make my community special. From the rich heritage, diversity, colourful celebrations and festivals, to delicious food, and spirituality. But we also need to acknowledge (and change) some major issues that still exist within the community – as a community.
One of the biggest issues being “what will people say?” A question most, if not all, South Asians will be far too familiar with. As South Asians, we’ve heard it, lived it, hated it, and feared it. But whether we like it or not, this deep-rooted question has become a barrier to many people’s happiness and having the freedom to live.
The price of freedom is high, and I personally believe the whole “what will people say?” question was a tool created to place fear and control individuals, especially women. We are constantly judged in every way possible, everything from what we wear and how we look, who we are seen talking to, who we decide to date/marry, how educated we are, what we choose to do as a profession, to where we decide to live – basically everything!
Sadly, the consequence of “what will people say?” has left many sacrificing their aspirations, truth, and happiness. Grandparents and parents, in particular, fear societal judgement, and will do everything within their control and power to prevent their family name being tarnished. I’ve personally known of children who had been disowned by their own parents due to community pressure. It was irrelevant whether they agreed or not with the community, but accepting their child’s ‘mistake’ would mean they are supporting rebellious behaviour, which sets the wrong type of example within the family and community. I mean, can you imagine others daring to follow in the same footsteps in order to live a more fulfilled life?!
The root of all this? Shame. A culture of shame is well-known for many South Asians who continue to suffer in silence. The idea of dishonouring family (including extended family) and bringing shame to them is a huge worry that many South Asians hold.
COMMUNITY
We could argue that the youth of today are more open-minded and fearless, but when the conditioning of shame and guilt comes into play, silence is accepted, and sacrifices are made. For example, even today, many of the younger generation will think twice before leaving a failed or toxic relationship because living in sadness seems less daunting than the community’s judgement.
Gaining the community’s validation is simply impossible. How can those drowning deeply in their own insecurities possibly give another being any sort of validation? Simply put, how can they give you something they are still craving to receive? So maybe we just need to accept the simple fact – we won’t be for everyone, and that’s ok.
We’re up against a very complex and toxic community. The self-importance and pride which sits within this judgemental community is not to be taken lightly. Of course, we all like to think we’re special and somewhat important, but if this self-validation comes from judging and slandering another human being, how special are we really? And what I’ve realised over time is that judging others says more about us than those being judged, myself included.
SOUTH ASIAN WOMEN
Women, in particular, are made to feel helpless and continue to suffer in silence. And men know how the system works too well. They are confident a woman would rarely consider leaving an abusive relationship or file for divorce because, along with herself, her parents and siblings will also suffer. These women are taught from a young age that ‘no matter what happens, protect our honour, and don’t bring shame onto the family name’. I remember someone close to me sharing her parent’s marital advice, “your husbands’ home is now the only place where you will remain until death, no matter what”.
If women had a better support system, they would feel empowered to take control and leave abusive and toxic situations. More often than not, women are cut off from a majority of their family and support network – because she’s told from a young age “your future ‘family’ should be your only priority”. Parents, in return, are praised for raising daughters who “stick it out” and take abuse. Another way for the community to normalise abuse.
Another big issue within the community happens to be sexual abuse, and men take full advantage knowing a woman wouldn’t want her or her family’s image to be dishonoured – because it would be extremely damaging. These women are left feeling alone and isolated. This is how abuse works – weaken the victim’s links. But, if by any miracle, the male has been exposed, their behaviour will be excused and downplayed. Instead of holding this ‘precious’ and entitled male to account, his family would turn a blind eye, and somehow manage to point the finger at the victim and never speak of the issue again.
For a community who loves to talk (about all the wrong things), it definitely shies away from the topics that need seriously addressing. Why are we not talking about patriotism, misogyny, gender/race/class inequality, domestic abuse, rape, dowry, alcoholism, and mental health?
When someone attempts to highlight any of these issues, the community is quick to say “this is an internal issue”. THE IRONY! It has become totally acceptable to talk about everyone else, but God forbid anyone has the audacity to address the issues affecting so many within the community.
THE COMMUNITY
Unfortunately, the South Asian community can be extremely judgemental and unforgiving, as it truly lacks empathy. In my experience, it has not been built to see others thrive or experience happiness, and the condition seems to be – if I can’t be happy, you can’t either.
If the community held space for others to be vulnerable and allow mistakes – through their own lived experiences – people would live with far less stress and anxiety. Wouldn’t it be inspiring to be a part of a community which offers genuine support and kindness? Because that’s the point of community.
So, the next time you catch yourself thinking “what will people say?” Ask yourself:
* Who are these people, and when was the last time I have seen or spoke to them?
* How will my life decisions impact their lives?
* If those people were to randomly disappear tomorrow, then what? Were the sacrifices made really worth it?
* Who are living with forever, yourself or them?
Have you ever thought deeply into what you think of yourself, and what you truly want? Surely that matters more, no? The stakes are high when you don’t choose you. Pick a side; toxic community or yourself – it’s as simple as that. Of all the things we could and should be proud of, oppression should not be one of them.